Internal Masking

Here is my last FB post as I let go of that person, I wish to keep my words because they will always be with me....

I have been in silent reflection for a bit now….. Most of this is just me rambling… and if you pick any line, I may have a whole entire story about it.

Is this a statement of grievances… not quite! More of a statement of whom I am as I exit.

To those that follow what I have to put out into the world, thank you for listening to my internal thoughts, but I feel it is time for me to move on…..

For those that are not around me closely, I have to say that I have a mild form of autism, with that it comes with the good and a lot of the bad.

The best advice I have for anyone that also has autism that is starting out in the world I can give is to ‘learn to wear your mask to the world, but learn to walk the edge of not letting the mask wear you’. The world we live in, there is next to no accommodations for people with autism, every day have to put on a mask and act like you are normal, it is more of a muscle than anything, some days that mask is strong, some times it is weak and will fall off at the slightest breeze. It becomes a lifestyle to be an actor in the world where you are not allowed to take off that mask. Worldwide only 1% of the population has autism, within that only 14% are fully employed, the other 86% are underemployed (working less than 15hrs a week) or un-employed. The average work span for most is around 90 days. This I believe is due to the fact that most placed can not cope with some of the affects of autism. They expect the minority to conform, to act like everyone else, little to no accommodations given. I am not sure how I got so lucky to be part of the 14% that lasts more than the 90 days, the only thing I come up with is that I used my strengths in a certain way, and able to wear a mask where needed, and in a field where things are normal for me, others struggle with. I still have the feels for the other 86%, they are forced to suffer for being themselves / struggle against their own nature. Most employers don’t know about the accommodations, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. With that, and struggling to just to keep up with society along with the mental challenges.

Emotions are felt by Autistic people, but most of the time because of hiding behind that mask they are often seen as the emotionless type. If someone around shows emotion outwardly, it is more as a shock, not sure what to do. I can easily breakdown at a sad scene of the screen, or hear a sad song, and I feel that emotions because I can be over-empathetic. The thing that is impossible is for me to discern what people feel about me. And wearing the mask around people becomes normalized, I respond with that unknown with indifference. If someone was to be in the vehicle with me without my mask, I am sorry, but I can listen to the same song over and over, hours and hours, analyzing it, or it makes me feel a certain way. It is also a comfort point. Watching the same thing / type over and over, listening to the same thing, it gives a sense of comfort. I will always look for the moral high ground, and one of the big things that set me off in a negative way is being forced around charismatic liars, the ones that will lie all the time and get away with it because of their charisma. They often go hand in hand with people where NOTHING is their fault… Being around them, is stressful, their gaps in logic show, they ignore the moral ground in favor for their own self interests.

Autistic burnout does exist, we live in a world that does not accept our true authentic selves. If normal people did experience our true selves, neuro-typical (non-Autistic) people see that as bad, and we are punished, shamed, and shunned away because they see it as wrong. Wearing that mask and becoming an actor in the world is stressful and HARD at times, and it comes at a cost. Once that cost is exceeded, the executive function is what will suffer. Once burnout is reached, an Autistic person wants to wear the mask, but it has become impossible, the burnout has made that muscle just not function for a while.

To know the ‘coke bottle effect’, every stress in the time period shakes up the bottle, the more changes, the more wearing the mask, the more the ‘coke bottle’ gets shaken. At the end of the day, when at home in a safe space, the coke bottle can be released. Because of that, Isolation becomes almost a necessity, the less stress of being around others, the less the bottle gets shaken, the easier it is to recover from the day to day stress.

Autistic people have a ‘wounded inner child’ and have been pre-programed that they feel they are always being attacked, ALWAYS being criticized, always being put down. After having a childhood where being shunned because not measuring up to the rest of the pack. With that, any disagreement in our own minds, it always being taken internal to the extreme. Growing up, because of speaking different or acting different, the shaming/criticized from friends, family, teachers, etc… for just being oneself. Over time, that just becomes habit that everything an autistic person does, is criticized, they hear neutral words in a negative way. Over time if all words you hear is negative, soon that takes permanent affect, every compliment received is immediately rejected because it does not match the negative filter that has been taught. Another one that sets off, is people that talk over me, I am trying to say something, but they feel whatever they say is more important. I have been told to stay quiet so often, I let others speak, I will just shut down and quietly leave. My brain’s default is that I am not worthy (of anything)…

To be known from a very early age, knowing that I am different, I do not fit in. I don’t connect. Most people can tolerate me if I have my mask on, but they will reject me if they see me without that mask. They will not accept me, so I have a physical and mental marathon every time I am around people. There are many things I hide from people, I have special skills and interests in areas, and can pickup and do with no worries. Other things can be an extreme struggle. Small talk is basically a foreign language, I can mentally hold back, and attempt to, but if there is something to be said, get to the point and go direct, and realize unless I am wearing a mask, I will do the same. Having a mild agoraphobia plays into my every day routine at times, I have a generalized fear of large crowds, there is too much commotion around, lots of stuff happening and I begin to go into sensory overload. The amount of people is subject on how many conversations are happening at the same time, my brain has no filter, and tries to process all conversations going on at one time. So it is better to avoid crowds with a lot of commotion happening all at the same time.

Changes in routine are hard, and contribute to more stresses, I like having a certain routine, doing things a certain way and in a certain order. I try to plan things out far in advance, sometimes months in advance. If something outside interferes with those plans, I could easily have a meltdown. I have a hyper-focused mind, Once I start a task, I want to see it to completion, large or small. Even if the task is finding something that I lost, I may not need it right now, but my mind will NOT rest till I find what I am looking for. I can not tell how many hours I lost on trying to be hyper-productive. I don’t take a break when there is a certain project that is in my interest, I will ignore food, any type of breaks, (sometimes even holding off going to the bathroom), until that project is done. Once that project is done, after that it feels for a time of exhaustion, sometimes for days after. Its done but that is the cost…

Seeing the world from that point of view, of being in the minority (1% of the population) there is a certain sensitivity and relating to ANY other group that is being oppressed. To a point of being over-empathetic, my default setting is the fact that I am honest and treat all with kindness, and expecting others to treat me the same way. If someone wants to be the type to take advantage of me, I will be the LAST person to realize it. But once it is realized, I can replay everything in the past and finally identify all the times where they have taken that advantage unfairly to myself and all others. I have tried to do certain tasks (business and corporate) but when my brain’s defaults are to empathize with people and everyone ‘unless proven otherwise’ is telling the truth, that does not do great in sales and often leads to trouble. I often dream of being independent in business, but often come to the realization that with my personal deficits, that most likely will be an impossibility. In my mind, everything MUST make logical sense, if something does not follow basic logic, I will reject it, passively or actively. Any type of executive function in my life must be logical and relevant in my life for me to do it, and I assume that others work the same way, they can look at things logically, but nerco-typical people often do NOT work that way.

If you have ever been affected by me loosing my mask, and melting down I am sorry.

With that out there now in the world, again it is time for me to move on....

Off to bigger and Brighter