Self Polyamory Contract

Emotional Health

• I have worked to develop my own well-being, and through being forged in fire, I can take on a lot, but not everything.

• I am responsible for my own well-being and if that is compromised in any way, it takes priority over anything else.

• I do not disregard other people’s needs, but I am not responsible for them.

• will only make agreements in relationships that I feel genuinely comfortable with. If I feel as though I am being pressured or coerced into a decision, it can be an immediate no, even if previously I might have said yes or maybe. If I do realize that I have been pressured into something, I will correct it as soon as possible.

• If a relationship gives me more anxiety or stress than I feel is acceptable, I will end it to preserve my own well-being and/or that of my other relationships.

• I recognize that maintaining a relationship takes work, and I will work to keep a relationship healthy. However, I will not put the relationship ahead of my own wellbeing.

• I will not work on another person’s issues for them, even if it is affecting my relationship with them, and I will expect them to work on their own issues in order to maintain the relationship. I can help in ways that do not cause undue harm or stress on me.

• I will be honest about issues I am working on, whether ongoing or recent. I will make as much of a distinction as possible between personal issues and relationship issues.

• I will make my partners aware of those issues that affect them, and I may ask for help in working through them, though my partners will not be required to.

• When I feel jealousy I will work to find the underlying emotion, feeling, or need and confront those directly.

• If I am feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, or unhappy, I will tell my partner instead of complaining to others or letting it stew. I will not expect them to fix how I feel, but I can ask for reassurance, or ask them to correct behavior that I feel is harmful.

• I will not make any rash decisions about existing relationships while in the Limerence period that could have been affected by it.

• I will not remain in a relationship with someone that is abusive or violates my consent or Will.

• I may not remain in a relationship with someone that is in a relationship with a person that is malice to their Will.

Communication

• Every relationship requires honesty, trust, respect, and open communication. I will practice all of these.

• I will discuss privacy with my partners and ask them what they would prefer to keep private and what they are comfortable with being shared. I will not agree to keep secrets that would be detrimental to me or other partners, but if there are certain things said or done that are to be kept private, I will accept that.

• If communication is not open or healthy, I will expect both my partner and I to work on that so that communication improves.

• As soon as possible, I will tell my partners about new partners, scheduling they need to be aware of, or a new development in relationships that they need to be aware of.

• If I'm not sure of what my partner would say or think about something, I will ask, not assume.

• It is NOT better to ask for forgiveness than permission. I will not deliberately breach my partners' consent in that way, and a partner using that on me is a dealbreaker.

Time - In person and at a distance

• With my Occult and Thelema practices. If I ask for some time to be alone with my spiritual practice, I expect that to be honored. I will honor others spaces, but I expect mine to be honored as well. I will establish set times and areas where isolation is essential for practices.

• If something is already planned, with a partner or friends, that takes priority over time that another partner wants to schedule, unless there is an emergency or urgency. I will support my partner in the same.

• I have a habit of staying in touch with most of my partners pretty consistently, usually through texting (SMS, Discord, Telegram). This can include while I'm spending time with other partners. If the person/people I am with at the time feel that I am neglecting our time together, they can ask politely that I end my conversations, and I will at the earliest opportunity.

• I text, a lot. It's the easiest way for me to stay in touch. I am okay with infrequent texting depending on how important it is to my partner, and the amount of contact desired will be communicated as-needed.

• If something is REALLY important, give voice call on any platform. I may not have ability especially at work to see a text come through, but a voice call lets me know that something is VERY important.

Structure

• Each relationship is important, and each partner deserves equal courtesy. This does not mean that each partner will receive equal time or equal affection, but every relationship will have the same openness to growth and change.

• I cannot and will not promise anything indefinitely as far as affection, closeness, or relationship status.

• I do not feel like an absolute veto is healthy and it is a hard limit for me. I will take any objections into consideration when it comes to a new partner, but a veto would only breed resentment. Similarly, I expect my partners to take into consideration any objection I would have to other partners, and I have the right to end a relationship if I feel that metamours are negatively affecting my relationship. I will also not enter a relationship where I know I could be vetoed.

• I do not "share" my partners unless that is how the relationship starts, or it is discussed and agreed upon early on, or it happens organically. I don’t want to feel the pressure to change an existing, working dynamic. I also will not attempt to force my way into sharing my partners’ other partners.

Physical

• I am alright with light play, but as long nothing leaves unwanted permanent scaring (cuts, tattoo, piercings, etc..)

  • CNC is on a scene by scene basis, but as long as nothing permanent is left

• PDA with any partner is based on that partners' level of comfortability.

• Physical abuse of any kind is a hard limit to me. It will instantly end the relationship. I also consider being metamours with a physical abuser a hard limit.

Protection

• Safer sex is essential. Penetrative sex without condoms will happen after extremely clear negotiation and after all my partners and metamours are made aware of the possibility, so that they may make informed decisions about their own safety. The use of barrier methods for other forms of contact (such as oral) should be used, but can be renegotiated on a case by case basis, and is not required unless there is an existing STI that needs to be protected against.

• I will notify my partners as soon as possible about new partners and/or any STI exposure in order for them to be able to make informed decisions for their own safety.

• I will be tested for STIs at least once a year, and ideally every six months. If a partner requests that I be tested, I will at the soonest opportunity and provide proof.

• I will request proof of a partner's latest STI test, and request one if they have not been tested in the past year.

Other

• I do not want to or plan on being a part of raising any more children. If my partners are parents or otherwise have responsibility for children, this is not an issue for me, but I will not take on any responsibility as a parental role.

• I have my own child, they are grown and have their own free will. They are to where they can make their own decisions and I can support them like any other adult.

• Any BDSM agreements are made separately from polyamory agreements but will follow all these same boundaries.

What I Ask of My Partners

• If you're not sure of what I would say or think about something, ask, don't assume.

• It is not better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Do not do something with the intention of getting my consent after the fact.

• The sooner I know pretty much anything, the better. Whether this is about a new partner, a date or outing that you want to go on with me, a new event or activity that affects me, or a new level in a relationship. I do not need to be asked permission, just made aware.

• I expect that my partners will be in contact with their other partners as needed, but also expect that they will respect my request to focus more on our time together as needed.

• Don't ask me if I can promise to love you, or ask me to promise we'll get closer. That will only drive me away. I cannot promise emotion, I can wait for it to develop.

• While I do not expect all of my partners to be best friends with each other, there must be acknowledgement of being in my life and at the very least, civil behavior towards each other, though ideally some form of friendship. My bare minimum is being able to invite my partners to the same event. If there is conflict between my partners, either I must not be dragged in to be the mediator, or I will change the dynamic or end a relationship.

• I expect to be notified as soon as possible about new partners and/or any STI exposure in order to be able to make informed decisions for my own safety.