Transgender Day of Rememberance 2023

On this Transgender Day of Remembrance I would like to put in my word.

Disclaimer: Talk about suicide, if that is too much for you PLEASE skip.

If anyone LBGTQ is approaching that cliff, please contact Trevor project at 866-488-7386, or text 687-687 or any other suicide prevention help by calling 988

Any stat that I came across for all the transgender people lost I think that number is WAY too low, and let me give a bit of my own experience on why.

Suicide thoughts were apart of me for the longest, I was so comfortably numb that they seemed to be always with me. The thoughts were not constant and always came in waves. The first time I can remember was around 12-13 years old. I knew I was different already for a couple years at that point, but I could not put words to express it fully, and had to hide away my true feelings from EVERYONE. That loneliness and isolation takes its tolls much so. I had classmates do the right thing and told adults about what I was talking about. I did my best to just divert their attention and dismiss it, but all it did is teach me to keep my mouth shut. It was so much better just to keep everyone away.

As the years went on, I just became comfortably numb to the thoughts of ending me, there one one major problem with it, I am too empathetic. I know it would be a relief for me, but it would be a burden to unknown amount of people around me, including and beyond my immediate family.

As an example: there were so many times I thought I could just pull my steering wheel a bit to the left and have a head-on collision with a semi, BUT…. That would not only leave a hole in my family dynamic, it would traumatize the truck driver, if it was a small trucking company, that could put a burden on them and possibly put couple of people out of employment. Since my family did not know about me, they may take retaliation, and ruin someones life/livelihood… all that for my selfish act.

At my lowest part of my life in 2009, after keeping EVERYBODY at arms length due to fear of how they would react if I came out of my egg that I was hiding in, I caused/inspired a series of events from that, It put me in a REALLY dark and lonely place, where I felt like I had absolutely no hope for happiness in the future. Anyone that knows me, knows I keep most times 2 razor sharp blades somewhere close by me at all times. I often ran a warm bath, and had a blade there ready to slice open brachial and ulnar artery. I cried so many tears during that time, but again, my empathy kept me thinking about who would have to clean up me, who would cleanup my mess. That is when I came up with HOW I would ultimately do it. I would go onto a Caribbean cruse, or somewhere where the water is about body temperature…Strap on any weights to my ankles, and go overboard. This was unlikely to happen any time soon, and since suicidal thoughts came in waves, it would require so much time ahead, the wave would soon pass.

Now the point of explaining this: If I had reached a point where I had given up on my empathy, I would have not existed today, and nobody would of known that I am transgender.

I feel: How many others that do not have as much empathy, commit suicide still in their egg ? How many lives are lost never showing the world the beauty on the inside to the world ?

No matter how many people you hear about on Transgender day of Remembrance, the number is WAY too low, there are so many more lives lost.

Matthew 25:40 & 45 (First Nations)

“I speak from my heart’ he answered them, ‘whatever you did for the least important of my fellow human beings who needed help, you did for me.’

“I speak from my heart’ he answered back, ‘when you did not help the ones who needed it most, you failed to help me.’

—I feel a sense of loss for all those out there that lost their lives because of people that never got to experience the love we were meant to show each human, to love and accept them for whom they are. They have to live in fear, they have to live in the shadows because God does not shine like they should threw all humans….

Philippians 3:21 (First Nations)

When he appeared, he will take our weak, death-doomed bodies and change them into a body like his, a body that shines with beauty and honor. For he is the one who has the power to bring all things into harmony

—I believe all transgender people when they return to God, will be given a body that they love, God knows every heart, God loves us so much, and will give each a body that will NOT come with dysphoria…

If you made it to this point, I must put in that when I came out fully, the wight lifted keeping everyone at that distance, and the baggage of suicidal thought went with it. Now that I have seen the light of relief, I am now able to see how damaging mentally it was. I do NOT want to go back into that egg for safety, being in light and love now....