What I found coming out

To start off with the acronym that has no straight answer, and I have had to explain it to a couple people already:

LGBTQIA2s+, it is an acronym for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex, asexual, Indigenous 2 spirit, and everything else that is not 'normal'. It represents a diverse community of individuals who identify outside of traditional heterosexual and cisgender norms. This acronym encompasses a wide range of sexual orientations, gender identities, and gender expressions.

Lesbian refers to women who are attracted to other women, while gay represents men who are attracted to other men. Bisexual individuals experience attraction to both males and females. Transgender individuals do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth. Queer/questioning is an umbrella term for those exploring their sexual or gender identities. Intersex people have physical or genetic characteristics that do not fit typical definitions of male or female. Asexual individuals may not experience sexual attraction the way most do. Indigenous 2 spirit are Native American people that are outside the 'normal' stereotypical roles. The LGBTQIA community strives for inclusive, acceptance, and equal rights for all its members.

I am going to write this in sections, but all have an overlap and fit as one to make ME. To say all sections at once my mind would become a mess trying to write down everything. This is the story of ME.....

LGBTQIA2s+

I was born in the Bay Area of California, I always made the joke that 'I am a child of technology, born in the silicon valley'. Computers and electronics always spoke to me the way nobody could. They were logical, they did what they were told, with nothing to really gain for themselves. Humans on the other hand, manipulated, schemed, maneuvered themselves to be the head of some table, something I never understood. In electronics there were hard rules, and if one of the rules got broken, the whole system shutdown until that was corrected.

This is why I was always fascinated by 'Star Trek', To live in a technological future, where everyone worked not for power coupons to get a better seat at the table, but for the betterment of everyone.

I was known as the odd-ball, the 'weird' one, the one that nobody wanted to be around, and people were not hesitant to tell everyone even right in front of me. I wore that as a blessing and as a curse. It felt good to self-isolate, to keep who I was away from EVERYONE, but still longed for interactions that were stimulating and not just to use me as a way to position themselves to a better spot. One of the only interactions I had where I tried to open myself up, I went out to prom, but I was blind to the fact at the time, they were just using me as a tool to make their ex jealous. They did not care for me in any way shape or form, I was there to be used and then when they got what they wanted, then to be discarded.

Finally early on in my adulthood, I came across an article about Autism, and especially in the Silicon Valley. At the time the rate of autism was one in 10,000 except in the Bay Area of California it seemed to be much more prevalent.

A+ --- Where it starts

Then I started to dive more and more into Autism and Asperger's, and suddenly part of my past and whom I was started to make sense. I had a light-bulb moment on understanding whom I am, what I do is not just learned behavior, but it is just how my brain is hard-wired. I still had many other things to find about myself, but understanding this was a big first step. To read more about more of my journey of exploring that, go here and read more:

I was raised in a tiny town, population ~800, nearly all were retired. My school was just as small, the whole entire high school with students and faculty was around 200 people and we all knew that we were surrounded by geriatrics, this was for about 300 square miles. It was a place that everyone knows everyone, and everything.

I constantly had to be on guard to everyone. It helped me refine skills to keep everyone away, to keep myself hidden while everyone else focused on getting theirs. While everyone was interested in getting with someone of the opposite gender, I had no interest in that. I had Machines to work on, Radios to build, Computers to figure out. I heard the term 'late bloomer'... at the time I thought that maybe that was it. I was never introduced to the terms asexual spectrum, but coming from a extremely conservative town I doubt that anyone in the area had any Idea. There were extremely few that 'caught my eye' and they only seemed to be friends, and once I could see into their soul, that is when they started to become more attractive to me. I learned to talk the talk, to keep people thinking I was 'normal' but it was just a show. Growing up I could have won awards for the performances I played to the world. To be surrounded by peers that their hormones were raging, and I was not going to cause more ridicule from them by saying that I do not feel the same as them. I did my best to keep them at arms-length.

I look now, and only those that my own personal key was those that upheld a Code of Chivalry, those were/are the only ones that I became attracted to. This is called 'Demisexual' It is on a spectrum of Asexual.

Code Of Chivalry

1 - Justice - to decide on a course of reason and fairness, EVEN if it does not favor self,

2 - Courage - To stand for what is right, and look beyond who is right,

3 - Benevolence - To display love for everyone,

4 - Politeness - To regard others feelings, and acknowledge them as valid,

5 - Honesty and Sincerity - To keep ones word, maintain ones principals, and avoid deception,

6 - Honor - To respect lives of all, to defend the weak and innocent,

7 - Loyalty - To God, To Family, to all that you give your word to,

8 - Character - To obey the intent of thelaw, to show respect to all,

My sperm donor was and still is just a big child. He was still physically a child when I emerged to see the class 5 yellow dwarf star we call SUN. He left before I was born. My mother that gave birth to me was also a child. They were just 2 horny teenagers in the throws of lust. It goes to show that when rose colored glasses are on, all red flags look white. I understand that she wanted the bad-boy, but then got the consequences of that bad-boy, and I do NOT blame her at all. She got assistance from his siblings, even they knew that he was a child that will never grow up. She tried to do her best, but soon realized that adoption was going to give the most ideal solution for everyone, or keep me and we would be surviving on the streets of the bay area.

I was born with a certain name, but with the adoption, she realized the records were going to be sealed. She did not care about herself, but knew IF I ever wanted to look up his family, I had a option.

BUT.... before the adoption could be finalized, His parents (His Parents I called MA and PA) took me for a 'weekend trial'... but the trial became permanent, but on the legal record, still having the teenage parents on birth certificate.

Going with all that at a early age, I don't remember, but I was told that I was super-clingy, wherever we went, I HAD to have physical contact with Ma. I had a base fear of abandonment that NEVER went away. Over time I then got legally adopted to keep the man-child from taking me away. That put their names (MA and PA) as parents, taking off my birth mother and the sperm-donor.

When I was a child, I never felt proper in the role I was given, I remember some of the best times in my early memories was being able to play with Barbies with my cousin as a child, I got to disassociate and become that imaginary person, even for a brief bit.

I tried to do certain things to help, but with my parents that raised me not even understanding what autism was, how could I tell them that I felt like a female trapped in a male body, they made certain off handed comments that were not the most friendly toward people that did not fit in gender-normal boxes. Me fearing abandonment had to suppress all my feelings down constantly. I tried to grow my hair at times, but then was always forced to get a haircut once every other week growing up. They did NOT want me looking like a hippie or a girl (Note: they were an Army Family during the Korean War, He was part Indigenous, but did not like that side). I did what they said, and I did my absolute best to not have them disappointed in me. Their only other son they raised was the hellion that was the man-child. They were established, stable, with good union jobs. Then they retired and moved away from Silicon Valley with me in tow when I was 8. I grew up seeing all their friends retiring, and could be the polite quiet child that sat down and listened to all their stories and teachings. Most others my age were getting into mischief, I was having tea and listening to their life stories. I did not get in trouble because of fearing I would be alone and abandoned. I stayed in touch with my birth mother, She is awesome, and I thank her for making the tough decisions to give us the best life possible.

How I longed to be more like the girls, to be free to express that feminine side... I could not let ANYONE see past the mask I had to wear. I found it best just to keep EVERYONE at arms length, to put on a performance wearing a male costume at all times. When the world started to become too much early on, some classmates heard me talk about suicide, and they did the proper thing, they told adult figures. I bluffed my way past them and brushed it off, but all it taught me was just to keep my mask on AT ALL TIMES. I did all I could to secretly express my internal feelings. I remember staying up till well past midnight, waiting to hear everyone snoring, just so I can go and try on one of my aunts skirts/blouses, and see myself in a mirror.... How could I ever tell my parents, they might abandon me...

Then the internet happened, and there behind a keyboard, I can create a female persona on a dial-up modem. I could play video games with customizable characters, and I got to choose the Girls, and nobody knew anything different. To my parents, Computers were these magic boxes that were only seen in the movies. To me they were an escape to a place where I did not have to shove everyone away by making them think I was the odd ball. I could be more like myself. I did not have to suffer in the world full time, I had a temporary escape.

I felt more comfortable in a caretaker type role, so I volunteered places, I got awards, racked up many hours helping, took EMT courses in high school and volunteering doing that. Eventually lead me into joining the Armed Services, I was going to make my parents proud, I joined the Army, gotta be the MAN just like my dad, me and him even went to the same base (just about 50 years apart)

I did not have the best time, My personal code of Chivalry, I got put in leadership positions for some reason, that meant more eyes on me from top and bottom, had more stress to keep up that persona, and very little way of escaping even for a little bit, had to keep up the selected phrases of being 'one of the guys', while still maintaining keeping everyone comfortably distant. There were a few off-had comments about how I was more effeminate, but with the Autism, I could not tell if they were serious or not.

It was there that I met someone that had very little guard, I could see right into her soul. She displayed the code of chivalry on her sleeve, and I fell in love immediately. I moved away from my family, half way across the country to be with her. We lived around her family, and they helped us get our lives started.

We were married on a Friday afternoon, we both wore white.

After a few months of being young kids in our honeymoon phase of life, I had the day off, and she was working. We only had one vehicle, and I spent all day working myself up to tell her the truth, that my life had been a lie, I have felt 'like a woman trapped in a mans body'. I never had been so nervous, I was shaking. She was exhausted, and dismissed it with the words 'you just admire women' and fell asleep in the car. I was devastated. I vowed to love her, to always lift her up, and to treat her the way a woman deserves to be treated, even at the expense of me. I just had to keep even her from getting too close to me, I had to keep her at arms length

She came from a EXTREMELY conservative family, and if my secret ever came out, there was a 100% chance they would abandon me. My biggest worry was talking in my sleep, and admitting to it again.

One time I was coping with stress in alcohol, we were with a bunch of friends at a hotel, and drinking in this group was common. I known that I could never fully loose my senses, I might tell the truth, and I did.

This was a shock to her, but she seemed to dismiss it... for a while. One day she asked about it, and at that point, I was tired of the lies, I was tired of living a life that was not mine, I was tired of putting on a costume to play a part that was not ME. I told her everything, fully expecting her to leave there or shortly thereafter... but she stayed. She was raised loving X-men, and their whole thing, of Love and Accept each-other. She is also Demisexual and look for certain traits before having feelings. My code of chivalry is what she was wanting.

She is my biggest cheerleader in finding my Trans and Queer identity, and accepting of my new paradigm.

LTQ --- Let the floodgates open

LGB2+ --- To thine own self be true

My Grandfather, and the one who raised me as dad, he was 1/2 Menominee tribe. He did not like that side of it, and almost never spoke of it. He did not stop me from exploring that aspect of me. I was around Pomo tribe growing up, and they kinda accepted me because I was curious and wanting to learn. Indigenous people have been in the exploited part of America, and my heart goes out to all my sisters, brothers, and other 2spirit that are left in the world. As we approach the next election at time of writing this, 2024 will celebrate the 100 year mark of Indigenous being able to vote, 4 years AFTER women were allowed to. I am now slowly making contact with distant relatives that are close to the tribe still, to explore my past, and to say WOW is a bit of an understatement. There were certain actions, that most of MY family tree from my grandfather down is HARD to find. If you see any picture of me, you can compare my picture to an actress by the name of Alaqua Cox, She is from the same Menominee tribe, another one is Lily Gladstone, She is still a northern tribe, slight differences in looks, but seeing them, they are a picture of femininity that I see as attainable, and some have told me that we are similar enough, they can easily see it.

Being Demisexual, I found that most of the people that follow close to my own version of chivalry have been women, the ones that have that as their core belief. Most people could take a look at someone with a body of a Greek God, and internally I will just say 'meh' but once I see someones soul and their chivalry, and I will have dreams about them, man or women. There have been very, very few men that I have been around that show that. Me wearing a mask for so long, pretending to be something I am not, I get a sense when others are pretending to be chivalrous when there is a deeper truth. I have had attraction to many characters of chivalrous men, but they were written that way, and you see the puppet for so long, you start to think they have a life of their own.

TQI --- But wait...there is more

Here is a term that most have not heard of, Klinefelter syndrome -- also known as 47XXY. It is under the umbrella of Intersex.
In genetics majority of women have 46XX, and majority of men have 46XY,
One out of every 1,000 men will have 46XX plus an extra Y in 47 spot. Some studies starting to show common cause of miscarriages.

Here is a list of effects of Klinefelter syndrome, Some effects are noticeable and present at puberty, some are not, some present as something else, Mileage may vary, and I tried to organize the list a bit:

• Taller than average height (3-5 more inches than expected with family)

  • Longer limbs than normal

  • Wider hips than normal

• Higher than average of having ADHD and/or Autism

  • Tendency to be shy and sensitive

  • Lower language skills (speech and reading)

  • Higher anxiety and depression

  • Impaired Social Skills

  • Low Self Esteem

• Low Testosterone level

  • Low energy

    • Carry more fat

    • Type 2 Diabetes

    • Hypertension (High Blood Pressure)

    • High Cholesterol

    • High Triglycerides

  • Less body hair than average (body and facial)

  • Less muscle compared to other men

  • Absent, delayed or incomplete puberty

    • Small male reproductive organs (testicular atrophy & small penis)

    • Low or no sperm count

  • Low libido

• Higher Estrogen level

  • Develop Breast (gynecomastia)

    • Higher risk of breast cancer

  • Weak Bones / Osteoporosis

  • Have female fat distribution

Now I am not going to say which ones I do and do not have, but I can say that if this were a test, I probably would make deans list.

It is somewhat similar to say, carry around both sets of genetics, and they are at war with one another.

Being around people that will not accept LGBT+ people, they say it is in the chromosomes, well.... Klinefelter syndrome has both XX and Y. Some go about and not ever knowing, and without a need to seek, why do they need to look.

My early life I attempted to do the typical stuff to 'try and fit in'. My parents were ALWAYS hesitant on me doing anything, one of their main arguments was 'What if I break a bone'. They were on limited income being retired, but they supported me the best they could, and never went without. Flu shots, Glasses, etc were normal. Doctors visits were only in extreme cases which was rare. I can not remember any normal 'checkups'. The one time I did need a ER, I was mountain biking, wiped out, Split my side open, and had DEEP cut (millimeters away from my liver), me being young, I did not know what to do, I stumbled home, and was rushed to the hospital. The staff even had to call the police and investigate to make sure it was not child abuse. The ONLY thing that kept me from bleeding out and becoming un-alive was my own body fat compressed the wound itself. I did NOT want to disappoint my parents, and have them look down on me, so I never tried to upset that balance due to the worst thing ever was having them be dis-appointed in me. I did my best NOT to do risky things. I had a few more accidents on bicycle, road rash many times from skidding across pavement. One more time, I tore open a big gash on my knee, to the point I could see ligaments and bone. I never got stitches for it, I just rested and kept it clean, and it healed, but without any hospitals.

I tried baseball, but I was so horrible, I got a participation award just for hitting the ball the first time (near the end of the season). My hand eye cor-ordination was never good. Being taller than all my peers, I soon tried to play basketball because others said I should. I gave all my strength to shove the ball, and my lack of co-ordination I was never the best and my attempts were always seemed to never be good enough. The one time I did play in a game, I was put in because the star of the team was getting cocky, and needed to be benched a bit to calm down, they needed to be showed what happens to their team when THEY act up. I was just used as a tool by the coach to teach him a lesson. Once they calmed down, I was never considered to play again.

I soon had an extreme disdain for any competitive sport. I started to carry a lot of extra weight, I could NOT get rid of. No matter what I did, it got put on, and never came off. My parents tried just about anything short of starvation to help me loose some weight. Nothing worked. In an attempt to 'try and fit in' I actually attempted to play football, I had the weight and known how to use it to my advantage. My parents VERY much objected, worried IF anything happened, they said my nearest doctor I could see was 2 hour drive away. I tried out for the team, but after all the practices, all the training, I dropped out before the first game. The hits never bothered me, the thing I was ALWAYS scared of was the locker room. I NEVER took a shower at school, I always arranged it so that I would go home and bathe there.

Start to get the NSFW here....

I never felt that I 'measured' up to any of the others, on top of all the 'locker room talk' that disgusted me, even if it was banter, I did NOT like it. My worst experience was the 'turn head and cough' experience, it upset everyone, but knowing I have to expose genitals for inspection hit me especially hard. I worried about being seen down there, I did not want what I had down there on top of everything, and hearing all the teenagers talk about size (both Girls and Boys) and how they compared, I had NO room to talk about anything, knowing that EVERYONE had more than I. Whenever stuff like that came up, I just clammed up and blushed. Being the one that kept everyone away, they just kinda expected it from me, and left it there. My peers growing up were always looking for sex, and here I was, I did not care about that.

At an early age also developed in the chest, I had the full on ability to wear a bra at around 14, and would often take the standard measurements. (note by time I came out, I was already measured at a D cup), Secretly I would sneak a bra on, and times I would have to wear multiple layers of clothes (Concert band events, etc...), I would sneak them on as undergarments. They were not the best fitting, but a few safety pins, I could make it work.

In the military, I did my best to avoid everyone, especially in the shower areas, I timed my life to go when there were the fewest people to see me. I was always jealous on how people had confidence with themselves, and I did not want my body AT ALL. My body and my mind were constantly at civil war with each-other. Having a military belt, I could feel a natural hip swing I had, and had others point it out more than once. To be honest, I avoided situations SO much, I have only ever seen ONE other person in full nude, that would be my spouse.

My spouse has the only one I ever been open to, and they seemed to not care about my size of my body parts, my small downstairs, and larger chest. I did my best to work with what I had. I did what I had to to make sure they were 'satisfied' and there have been more than a few times where it went past an hour with being intimate with each-other.

Now looking for GAC (Gender Affirming Care) stuff to take care, a LOT does not apply, or it is just natural in me. There is lessons on 'tucking' to look more feminine, and NONE I can do, my body does it naturally... When I went for electrolysis hair removal, my mustache area took 1 hour to remove it all for the first round.

the T.L.D.R. --- Summary

I had this journey, I learned so much, and every letter of LGBTQIA2s+ has touched me, and summarizes me in a way. Some more than others...

This is ME, I am THIS.